Solitude my healer

I have spent most of the four months of my summer break from school hiding out in my basement apartment, and while at least part of that time I was depressed, for several reasons I won't get into, I know that even if I hadn't been, I would still choose solitude.

People always say to those who choose to be alone, that you can't shut yourself away from the world. To them I ask, why not? I am safe here, I have everything I need, and the people I care about are just a phone call, text message or email away. It isn't often that I choose to be around people, but when I do, I pick my moments and the people I want to share them with carefully.

In reality, people are simply a drain on my energy, because I have to deal with sensory overload as part of my condition. From the outside looking in, to most people, I suppose I seem to be managing just fine, but that is very careful planning and assessing individual situations that makes me appear so. On the inside I am calculating where I will put my next step and what if anything I will say. I appear calm and have even been described as serene. This is self preservation as I prefer not to draw attention to myself. Once home after an outing that has involved being in groups of people, I will take a day or several days to decompress before I am comfortable venturing out again. If I don't or can't take this time, I will become easily overwhelmed and everything I try to do that is new has the potential to reduce me to tears, and my ability to communicate is drastically diminished as well. This doesn't happen because I expect it to and so create this outcome but I have arrived at this realization as an observation. This is just a fact.

So if I choose to be alone it's because I actually do know what's best for me, and do admit I resent others trying to feed me their version of what is best for me. In their world, and possibly the general population as well, what they think is best might actually be so, for them. In my world I am the authority on me. This does not mean that I won't listen to people I trust and whose judgement I respect, because I will and then will make the decision that is still right for me.

I change what I can, adapt when I am able and make no excuses for settling for a life that causes me the least amount of anxiety while still following my dream.

It's not awful, it's just my life. Having always been this way and finally knowing I have an explanation, I do what is within me to make it work and don't beat myself up for not conforming to somebody else's idea of normal. What I offer is only an explanation, not an excuse. All I ask of anyone is this, do not try to change or fix me. Accept that and you accept me as I am. I have.