Once upon a time

When I was this little girl I had a dream, that I was all grown up, an artist and living on my own near an ocean. The dream provided hope, serenity and a sense of fulfillment.
I am grown up now, well sort of, and about to fulfill that dream. I am now at the stage of moving to the east coast to continue the journey of being an artist. So why I am I filled with fear? Why do I want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head, ignoring all the details I need to address and set in place to make this happen?
With every step taken I feel relieved and then almost immediately overwhelmed with how to take the next step. I want to ask for help but hesitate because I do want to do it all myself unaided, but also know that's unrealistic. My son to the rescue. I am so grateful I have him to turn to. Being reassured many times by him, that he wants to help me, that I should be able to just accept that it's OK to ask for his help, yet still, I hesitate and feel like I ask too much of him. How did I, as troubled and unsure of myself that I am, raise such an exquisitely thoughtful and generous young man? He is a gift and I have said this before that just by virtue of his birth he saved my life and he continues to with every thoughtful gesture.

3rd year Fine Art year end Exhibit

2150+

  Heaving a huge sigh to have this year of my Fine Art Advanced Diploma program near it's end, culminating with our show at a downtown gallery in London, Ontario. At our last grading, where we have an area in one of the 1st or 2nd year studios to show our body of work in a professional display, they choose what will be in the year end show.
I had eleven mini galleries and one larger one hanging so when they emerged and said they wanted them all and two of my other pieces from last semester, I was giddy to say the least.

  This year has been an opportunity to concentrate on an area of art that I feel inspired by and create original work with no constraints, other than the usual money one. I was able to source materials at little to no cost and have amassed a body of work I am proud of because of that and because I stayed true to my (murky) vision.

  Now the time has come to move on and with that the decision, early in the year, of what that means and where it would take me. I have longed to go to Nova Scotia for longer than I can remember, mostly because my parents, now both dead, (one of which I had never met) met there, but also because I had heard so much about it.

  It doesn't hurt that one of the most prestigious Universities for studying the arts is in Halifax. I applied there and only there and received an acceptance letter about six weeks after applying to NSCAD University. Going there means applying for more students loans and I am not sure just how much I will be given as I am now going out of the province from where I am applying. I am scared but refuse to allow myself to be paralyzed by this.

  My daughter put it this way, quoting John Burroughs, when she said to me, leap and the net will appear. I am counting on it because I bruise and bleed so easily.

Lazy day, lazy me..lalala

I am having one of those days where I'm moving in slow motion but the time is still ticking away of course. I slept way late.Yay on THAT one! I got up, turned on CBC radio, shuffled out to the kitchen and made a coffee,went to the bathroom (yes I washed my hands), brought coffee back into the bedroom, crawled back into bed, turned on my laptop, read various news related stories (while thinking I should be reading about essay related things), listened to Sook-Yin Lee and her program Definitely Not The Opera about Taking A Stand. Now it is 3:58pm and I have finally pried myself from the warmth of my bed and moved to the couch, the midway point between my bedroom and the bathroom/shower.

So here I sit typing, while the thought of getting into the shower, fights with thinking I should eat something first. The shower is likely going to win this one, it usually does on the weekend, but wait, I might just change it up because I am feeling that creeping weakness that comes from waiting too long to eat.

Mmmm.. cereal, some Kashi cinnamon flavoured stuff with a sprinkling of bran buds on top and some cream because I do not have any Almond milk or regular milk. I did water it down a bit but seriously this stuff is delicious over cereal. Why would anyone choose skim milk? It's really just whey because that's what is left when you strip the fat from it. Think about cheese production. Through the process, the liquid that is separated from the milk solids is the whey and many places just pour that stuff down the drain. This is truth, I worked at a place that did just that. That stuff is apparently hard to digest. So I will choose the fat in cream every time. I love it but I do not love milk, go figure.

I feel better now and so the shower beckons.

I Am What I Am

Like a bolt out of the blue it came to me. Popeye had it right when he said " I am what I am"
I have spent more than the last five and a half years searching for myself. 

For almost thirty years I was half of a couple and not the easy identifiable half but the half that was mostly just a fuzzy shadow following along on my husband's path. 

So I walked away, left that fuzzy shadow behind, and stepped into the light on my way to search for who I thought I had lost by degrees over the years.

I have been searching so hard and anguishing over not being able to connect the dots between the girl I was and the woman I became or thought I had lost, that I didn't see that what was lost was only really locked away and I had just forgotten where I had put the key.

Every day, hour, and moment has brought me to this realization, that I am what I am. I don't have to look beyond what I like, what gives me pleasure, what makes me smile and what makes me cry. 

There isn't a magic button or magic pill. There is no big secret or profound discovery other than finding out,I am what I am. 

That for me is the key.